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- Kong: Skull Island - When Man Fought Monsters
I know what you’re thinking: Why did we go from Oscar winners & cult classics to monster flicks? Because we can.
This one will be quick, fun, and free of all philosophical nonsense.
Also quick shoutout to the friend who forced me to not laze around and actually finish this one in time. You know who you are.
Synopsis
In 1973, when an American satellite spots a previously unknown island, a team of scientists and soldiers ventures into a journey of discovery and exploration. But dark secrets lay in wait, as the squad reaches the mysterious land, they are greeted by a world the likes of which they couldn’t even imagine. Now, they must face truly unmitigated forces of nature in a battle for survival like none other.
Review
Universal Studios’ plan to create a ‘Monsterverse’ seemed like a hack at jumping on the cinematic universe bandwagon at first, and…that is what it was. But I’ll be the first to confess that I’ve come to love these big-budget extravaganzas that continually push the limits of physics and technology to give me the guilty pleasure I never knew I wanted. I called this movie a flick earlier, and it is exactly that. With a crowd-pleasing cast of Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, and Samuel L. Jackson, along with a budget to do the CGI justice, this film makes for the most perfect popcorn-grazing two hours you ache for on a Sunday. And while some may choose to point out the logical inconsistencies sprinkled throughout, to them I say:
When Man Fought Monsters
This is NOT a philosophy newsletter. It’s an everything newsletter. And this time we’re dialing the clock back…WAY back.
There have been countless occasions in history when humans have encountered beings, ideas, and technologies so alien that they were indistinct from divine creations.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
Here are four:
What The F*ck Is That?
Imagine you’re a Roman soldier in 280 BCE.
The biggest living thing you’ve ever seen is an ox. Maybe, on a particularly wild day, a plow team of two. Your world is made of hard edges and right angles - olive groves, brick walls, straight roads, square shields. The cosmos runs on predictability: men fight men, bronze hits flesh, Gods occasionally meddle but mostly keep office hours.
Rome is still a small republic, but one full of gumption and a taste for warfare. One fine day, your sailor brothers decide to offend the Greek City of Tarentum, just south of your home in Southern Italy. Tarentum is offended, but you don’t really care - you’re a mighty Roman.
But in typical fashion, Tarentum simply says, “Do you know who my dad is?” and sends for help from King Pyrrhus, second cousin and first admirer of Alexander the Great.
And so Pyrrhus shows up.
At the banks of the Siris River, you and your Roman countrymen, led by consul Publius Laevinus, line up in the old, comfortable pattern: heavy infantry in front, cavalry on the wings, short swords ready for honest work.
Historians believe Pyrrhus saw this and said, “LOL”.
Unbeknownst to you, Pyrrhus has a surprise; one imported all the way from India.
The battle rages all day—shields clang, lines grind. Then, as you begin to push forward, Pyrrhus raises his hand, and trumpets start blasting.
Game = over.
“The Romans had never before seen such beasts; and when they saw the strange look of them, and heard their fearful cries, they were filled with confusion and terror.”
20 WAR ELEPHANTS. RUNNING AT YOU.
If the biggest thing you’ve ever seen is an Ox and you’ve never even heard of an elephant, this is pretty scary.
Plutarch also interestingly noted that the smell was as menacing as the look of the beasts - something your family might resonate with, having experienced you eat Sunday Tacos.
The elephants smashed through the Roman lines. Men scattered, horses bolted, the earth groaned. But Rome doesn’t really do “defeat.” They do “notes for next time.”
Roman history is full of ingenuity. They soon figured out that elephants are scared of flaming pigs (yes, literal pigs set on fire and made to run towards the elephants) and neutralized the threat. The elephants panicked and trampled their own lines.
The Romans always, ALWAYS, found a way. But more on that in another piece at another time.
Bonus Fun Fact: The word ‘Pyrrhic’ [(of a victory) won at too great a cost to have been worthwhile for the victor.] comes from these wars!
“If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.”
Anyway, here’s a painting chronicling the traumatized Roman soldiers returning home from battle:
the war came home with them.
Smoke On The Water
Remember, we just spoke about Roman ingenuity - well, the genius lasted far longer than the name.
Imagine you’re an Arab sailor in the 7th century.
Life sucks, but there is one thing you have mastered - the sea. You’ve fought storms, pirates, and even boredom - you get it. It’s water. Cold & Wet. Simple.
Naval Warfare - you get that too. You get close enough to a ship to board it, and you go ahead and kill everyone you see. Easy peasy.
What’s more is your Caliph, Muʿāwiya I, has recently taken Syria & Egypt and built a navy big enough to make the Eastern Mediterranean look like your town lake. Things are looking up.
One day, your Emperor calls upon you to sail to the jewel itself - Constantinople - and take it from the hands of the Christians.
“The Byzantines?! The punks we beat on land some years ago?!” You exclaim.
And so, you and your sailor friends set sail under the banner of Allah to open a can of whup-ass on those heathens.
You reach the waters of Constantinople and meet the Byzantine Navy. But you notice something strange - they aren’t coming too close. Also, there seems to be some nerd, named Kallinikos of Heliopolis, who is instructing soldiers to pull out bronze nozzles from the ship, and few others to start hurling pots at you.
“Pots?! That’s what they came up with?! Fucking pots?!”, you and your boys laugh.
But then…it seems like there’s light coming from the water. First, you think it’s dawn - you’ll get to beat the Christians while they can see it - but dawn doesn’t move at 20 knots.
“The Romans struck the enemy with fire that burned upon the water; and the sea blazed as if by a new sun.”
Fire. On Water. Fuck.
Soon, the fire reaches your ships. The sticky resin from the pot sticks to your ships and flames up.
There is no hope.
Greek Fire was a revelation in naval warfare. The weapon became an imperial secret, guarded like scripture. Its exact formula — probably naphtha, resin, and lime — vanished with the empire. But its legend didn’t. For centuries, “Greek fire” meant any power you couldn’t reason with.
One must understand that in the 7th Century, fire on water was not a hard sell as “divine intervention”. A literal ‘screw you’ from God - the one guy who you thought had your back.
The Arab fleet was shell-shocked. Constantinople had lived to die another day.
“Its psychological effect was far beyond its physical destructiveness.”
Man had faced yet another monster.
Anyway, here is a letter from stranded Arab soldier to his wife saying he won’t be home anytime soon:
will she believe him?
Joshua 6:5 - “And the wall of the city shall fall down flat.”
Remember how I told you Constantinople would live to die another day…well.
Imagine you’re a Byzantine Baker in Constantinople, April 6th 1453.
Life sucks. But it always has to that’s okay. You wake up with the sun, get your oven going, and ready yourself for yet another day of slogging.
You’ve been hearing rumors that some 21-year-old king with a funny-sounding name - Sultan Mehmed II - has brought 80,000 troops to your city gates. But you’re not worried.
You may not have much, but you do live under the protection of the LEGENDARY Theodosian Walls - three layers of stone and mortar, unscathed after 23 sieges.
You’ve also heard rumors that the Sultan has a nerd under his employ, Orban (fucking nerds, amirite?), who has invented some sort of large catapult for him. But you’re not worried.
You may not have much, but you do live under the protection of the LEGENDARY Theodosian Walls - three layers of stone and mortar unscathed after 23 sieges.
So you go about your day as usual - baking and praying.
Today, God isn’t listening.
Mehmed II brings out his big gun, literally - The Basilica. 27 feet long, 30-inch caliber, and capable of hurling a 600-pound stone nearly a mile. A first of its kind.
Records indicate it took 60 oxen and 200 men just to move.
They open fire.
“The sultan’s great gun cast fear into all hearts, and each discharge seemed to split heaven and earth apart.”
“The walls fell not in one place but in many; no defense availed against the thunder of the new weapons.”
For nearly 2 months, the thunder does not stop, and the ground does not rest. You patch holes at night; they open up again in the morning. The barbarians are at the gate.
The walls that have stood for over 1000 years are no more. Theodosian, more like Theo-dust.
By May 29th, the Ottomans storm the breaches.
Constantinople falls. The old world ends. The Middle Ages die screaming.
Anyway, here’s a reply e-mail from the Contractor to Emperor Constantine XI Palaiologos on the issue of the warranty of the Theodosian Walls.
Will King Constantine get his refund?
Half Man, Full Problem.
Let’s take a quick boat ride across the Atlantic.
Imagine you’re an Aztec Scout in 1519.
Your empire stretches from sea to jungle. You’ve seen storms that eat canoes, serpents that climb trees, and men flayed alive for religion - you’ve got range. The world is violent, sure, but you get it. Everything that kills you, you can name.
The jungle is cool too; it’s your life. And you know these agile 4 legged creatures - deer. But that’s the closest thing you know to what’s coming.
Enter yet another foreigner with a funny name: Hernán Cortés, and his 16 horses.
“The Indians, having never seen a horse, thought the man and the horse to be one and the same creature; and that when one was wounded, both would die.”
2 heads, 6 legs, an iron-covered face, and a sword. Charging at you.
“They came on deer, very tall, as high as the roof, and the men upon them shone in iron.”
But credit where credit is due: the Spaniards quickly understood the sheer psychological shock of this experience.
Early reports say Cortés sometimes dismounted at night and hid the horses, so locals wouldn’t notice they were separate beings.
By the time the Aztecs realized the “man-deer” could die, it was too late. Spanish steel, disease, and alliances did the rest. Within two years, the capital city of Tenochtitlán had fallen. The gods had dismounted, and the colonists had moved in permanently.
Anyway, here’s a letter from an Aztec soldier who is in a bit of a pickle.
Will brother Itzcótal reach the King in time?
The point is - man has always faced monsters, and survived. Who will the next monsters be? Will they be of our own creation? Or will they come from above?
In conclusion, I just want to say: watch Kong: Skull Island, it’s a good movie.
Until next time!
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